


Love and War

by ariapassionflower01



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Angry Sex, Breaking Up & Making Up, Choking, Emotional Hurt, F/M, Non-Consensual Spanking, Rough Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-18
Updated: 2014-02-17
Packaged: 2018-01-12 21:44:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 13,331
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1201714
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ariapassionflower01/pseuds/ariapassionflower01
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Emily is shutting herself off from Derek, and he doesn't understand.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> All I can say is please forgive me! I have no defense for such a terribly sad, depressing fic

Derek was just leaving the BAU when his phone began beeping on his belt. He had worked late and was eager to get home. He slid the phone off his belt and flipped it open, wondering who would be texting him after work hours. He was more than surprised to see Emily's name displayed on the screen. Questions immediately fled across his brain. Why is she texing me? What is going on? Why is she acting like this? Was it something I did? Is she mad at me? So.... why is she texting me?   
Derek hated to doubt himself, but at the moment he didn't know what to do. For the past three days Emily had been acting extremely strange. She quit texting him, and when he texted her, she wouldn't answer. She barely talked to him, and every time she did, she kept it short and to the point. She wouldn't even let him kiss her. She would always turn away and say something like, “I have to go”. And now she was texting him.   
Derek clenched his teeth in frustration and opened the text. His brows pulled into a deep frown, confusion overcoming frustration as he read the words on his screen. Come 2 my house. I want u 2 fuck me. What the hell was wrong with her? First she wouldn't text him, wouldn't even kiss him, and now this? The text in itself was strange. She was never so direct or harsh in her wording. Most of the time, it was something like, I need u baby. Come over 2nite. More like a request instead of a demand.   
Derek considered not going. But stronger than his irritation with her behavior was his confusion. He wanted to know what was wrong with her, and if she was letting him in tonight, there might be a chance that he might find out. He replied, B there in a few. He closed the phone and snapped it back on his belt as he took the elevator down to ground level. His phone didn't buzz again. 

BAU * BAU * BAU

When Derek reached Emily's apartment, he could see that her lights weren't on. He parked his car and walked through the building to her door. His key ring jangled in the dark silence of the hallway as he found the right one. He jammed it in and turned the lock. He stepped inside and quietly shut the door behind him. On any normal day, he would desperate for her by now, but he felt dread as he realized that the main reason he was here, was to profile her. In three short days, things had begun to fall apart and he didn't even know why.  
Derek walked softly through the livingroom and down the hall, avoiding the furniture that he knew so well even though he couldn't see it. He came to her bedroom door and he could see soft light spilling out from beneath the edge. She probably had only the lamp on. Derek took the door handle between his fingers and turned it slowly. He was almost afraid of what was inside the room though he didn't know why. He took a deep breath as he pushed the door inwards.  
The first thing that caught his eye was Emily. She was on the bed, every lucious curve naked to eyes. She was bent over, her elbows supporting her, her knees holding her hips slightly off the bed. Desire pricked him at the sight, stealing away his frustration with her for a moment. But then he saw her face. She had it turned away from him, but he could still see her dull expression. She didn't have her naughty girl face on as he might've expected. Instead, her black eyes held no sparkle, and her full red lips were turned downwards.   
Derek didn't know what to do. For once, he didn't know what to say. He couldn't understand what she was doing and she wasn't helping him to.   
“Take off your clothes, Derek.” Her voice was just as dull as her face. Once more, it was more like an order than a request.   
“Emily-” He began.  
“Do you want to fuck me or not?” She sounded indignant.   
Derek was at a loss. Why was she doing this? If there were something wrong – anything – she could tell him. She didn't have to do this. Derek wanted to tell her that, but he had a feeling that he wouldn't get through the first sentence.   
He slowly began to unbutton his shirt. He shrugged it off his shoulders and let it fall to the ground. He kept his eyes on her as he unbuckled his belt and loosed his pants. He nudged his shoes off as the pants pooled at his feet. Despite her odd behavior, he felt desire slide through him once more. He could see her breasts resting heavily between her arms, her nipples rosy pink. The curve of her ass was inviting, and through the sparse lighting, he could see the soft folds between her legs. He swallowed hard as his shorts dropped into a pile with the rest of his clothes. He hadn't had her in three days, and seeing her in such a posistion made his heart race. As much as he wanted to know what was going on in her head, he wanted her body as well.   
He walked to the bed and knelt on the edge behind her. His palms hovered over her buttocks before he gathered them in his hands. Her only reaction was a sharply drawn breath. He drew his eyes over the curve of her spine to where her buttocks parted and then to her center. He cupped the mounds of flesh tightly, holding them apart and making her feminine lips part. He brushed his thumb down between her buttocks and over her center. She was only slightly damp to his touch. Derek felt a little of that dread return. Usually by the time they go to this point, she was wet enough to overflow Niagra Falls. If she wasn't in for this tonight, then why had she texted him? Beneath the dread, his earlier frustration reared its head. He almost wanted to turn her over and shake, demanding that she tell him what the hell was going on. But he didn't.   
He brought his fingers down to her center and slowly massaged her entrance, praying that he would gain a reaction. He moved his other hand to her hip. Her body was taut as a bowstring, but he knew that it wasn't from any sort of pleasure. It was the kind of tenseness that usually is accompanied by disgust. If she didn't want him, why was she letting him touch her? The same dread and frustration mixed, and once more he almost stopped. He wanted to yell at her, “What the hell is wrong with you, woman?!” But he didn't.  
He continued rubbing two fingertips over her open entrance, but she remained stiff, unresponding. Derek clenched his jaw, took a firmer hold on her hip and pushed his fingers into her. Not a sound emanated from her. She only gripped the sheets, her knuckles white. She was warmer inside, but not the enticing wet heat that usually flowed from her. Derek had never felt so inadequate in his life. She wasn't responding to him at all. He felt like he was pleasuring a mannequin instead of a person. He slowly began to stroke her inside, but irritation and dread stayed at the forefront of his mind. His usual sexual precision seemed slightly dulled.   
He massaged her for several long seconds, his irritation growing with each one. Why did she continue to lie beneath him when she wasn't finding any pleasure in this tonight? He had to do something. Stop or draw a reaction out of her.   
“Come on, Emily.” He whispered to her, leaning down to gently kiss her lower back. “Tell me it feels good.” He slid his hand up her ribcage to her breast. He pinched at her nipple and she jerked away from him, a muffled whimper leaving her tightly closed mouth. Confused, Derek let his hand retreat. He couldn't have hurt her with such a simple touch, could he have? Was she just being a baby? Was she just being difficult?   
Derek picked up the touch of his hand again, rougher this time. Her body moved with each pump of his hand, but she still didn't give any indication that she was getting pleasure out of this.   
“Tell me how it feels.” He murmured to her. On most days, her sultry confessions to him upon his request, would elicit the wetness out of her. But today she wouldn't even answer him. She remained silent as her body was jerked forward with each thrust of his hand. His chest began to burn. What was she doing to him? There was no reason for this type of behavior. First she pushed him away, and then she ordered him over to her house to “fuck” her and now she wouldn't even respond. His frustration with her was growing with each passing second. He added a third finger and pushed them into her even harder than before. “Damnit, Emily,” He growled, “tell me how it feels.”   
“No.” She whimpered, hiding her face in the sheets.   
That's it, damnit. I've had enough. He thought angrily as he pulled his hand away from her. Without thinking, he laid a harsh smack across her buttocks. The crack that sounded throughout the room as flesh met flesh made him cringe. Her first reaction to him that evening was jarred from her mouth in the form of a wounded cry. He was immediately thankful that she hadn't been on her back or else it might be her face that was stinging with his handprint at this moment. Derek was breathing hard, his chest on fire as Emily's body sank to the bed, and she once more hid her face in the mattress. If she hadn't been so silent, he might've thought that she was crying. But she wasn't. Derek grabbed her by the hips, lifting her ass up again. All four of his fingers slammed into her at once and her body was forced forward several inches. Derek slowed as he realized that she wet about his fingers.   
“Is that what you want?” He barked. “You want me to hit you?” His hand cracked agianst her buttocks a second time, and she cried out once more, her dark hair falling about her face and she pressed her forehead against the mattress. “What do you want, Emily? Do you want me to beat you?” With anger burning a red hot trail through him, he quickly slid from the bed, crossed the room and grabbed his pants crumpled on the floor. He ripped the belt from the loops and went back to Emily who was looking at him- for the first time that night also- over her shoulder, her dark eyes wide and inky. He grabbed by the arm, sitting her up on the bed and shaking the belt in her face. “Is this what you want? Is this what gets you going? Which end do you want? The buckle?” He realized that he was shouting, but he didn't feel the inclination to lower his voice. “Do you want it to hurt? Do you want me to make you bleed? How many do you want, Emily? You tell me.” He tossed her back down on the bed and climbed back onto the bed. His knee dug in her back as he pinned her to the bed. The lip of the belt curled through the air and met her flesh with a horrifying sound. Emily cried out, but didn't fight it. Derek didn't wait a second between lashes. He brought the belt down five more times without stopping before he ran out of steam. He stumbled off the bed and grabbed his clothes, sliding into them in record time. He barely had his shoes on his feet before he was out the door, his heart and head pounding. He swallowed hard around the lump in his throat as he hurried towards the front door. He almost tripped on the recliner that he had so well avoided on his way in. He pushed the door open and entered the hallway. He hurried down the stairs to the foyer where he shoved the door open and broke out into the cool night. His skin was covered in a layer of sweat, and his breaths were coming much too fast. He leaned over, bracing his hands on his knees as he tried to get ahold of himself. He nearly choked on the knot in his throat as tears rose up in his eyes. He breathed hard, taking in deep breathes, trying to calm himself. He effectively pushed the emotion back, but his heart continued to beat out a fast rhythm in his chest as he hurried to his car. He pulled the door shut behind him and sat there for a moment. What did I do? The question crossed his mind, and he lowered his head to the steering wheel, defeat crushing him. At last, he forced himself to start the car and pull away from the apartment.  
Back inside, Emily lay on the bed her entire body shaking with the tears that overtook her as soon as the door slammed shut behind Derek. She didn't care to move, didn't care to get dressed. She stayed there, on her stomach, and cried until she fell into a fitful, yet merciful and dreamless sleep. 

BAU * BAU * BAU

The next day, Derek felt dread at the thought of seeing Emily at work. He didn't know what he would say, if he should say anything. He didn't know how he should act, if he even had the presence of mind to put a up the facade of normalcy. He didn't want to have to look her in the eyes, knowing how much he had hurt her. On some occasions he would use the belt in their roleplaying, but he never put the strength behind the lashes as he had the night before. He never raised a hand to her, intending to wound her. And he never raised his voice to her. Never.   
Derek awoke that morning, memories from the night before immediately flooding his brain. A sick feeling entered his stomach, and he had the distinct feeling that it wouldn't be dissipating anytime soon. He lay in bed for long minutes, staring at the ceiling, trying to rally the courage to get up, go to the BAU, and face her. He knew he had to. This day could be no different than any other. At last, he pushed himself up and walked into the bathroom. His face was haggard, staring tormentedly back at him. Derek twisted the knobs on the sink and let lukewarm water flow from the faucet as he splashed some on his face. He rubbed his hands over his face, not wanting to look back up at his reflection. He let his hands fall, and turned the knobs before grabbing the towel and quickly covering his face again. He didn't look in the mirror again as he shut off the lights and left the room.  
Derek had a growing sense of dread as left the house. With each minute of passing country-side, he felt it curdling within him, souring in his stomach, pounding in his head. Doubting thoughts crept into his brain, She'll never come back to you. You've ruined the relationship for good. You're a fool if you think that she'll ever forgive you. You are done for good, buddy. He couldn't help the helpless feeling that was rising with each second. He felt completely lost. He didn't even know why Emily had been acting so strange in the first place. He couldn't even understand how he was feeling. How was he supposed to comprehend her emotions? A woman's emotions.  
When Derek arrived at the BAU, his eyes searched for Emily's car. He didn't see it and he wondered if she had taken the day off. He wouldn't put it past her with the way she had been acting. After last night, he wouldn't blame her.   
He went to his desk and kept himself occupied. He tried not to catch glances of the door, wondering if Emily was going to come in. An hour passed and Derek was almost sure that she wasn't coming in. He caught JJ as she was walking past his desk.  
“JJ, did Emily call off?” He asked.   
“No.” JJ deviated from her earlier destination to come over to his desk. She sat down on the edge and eyed him. “Is everything okay?”  
“Yeah. I just... I was wondering about her, you know.... she's usually here by now.” He tried to shrug it off.   
“Would you know why she's late?” JJ asked, folding her arms under some files that she was carrying. Derek swallowed hard and looked away, knowing that every part of his behavior was screaming out guilt. JJ was no profiler, but she was perceptive, and it didn't take much for her to notice things.   
“If this is between you and Emily, that's fine.” JJ said. “I'm not going to force you to tell me anything, but I'm here. If you ever want to talk,” She pointed up to her office, “the doors always open. Okay?”   
Derek nodded unable to muster anything else and still not meeting her eyes.  
“Okay.” She said, and leaned away from his desk. He could feel her worried gaze drifting over him as she slowly left his desk. He knew that JJ had good intent, but the last thing he wanted to do was let anyone else in on his personal hell.   
Derek's mind was jerked away from JJ when he caught a glance of Emily out of the corner of his eye. His eyes immediately moved over to her coming through the glass doors of the BAU. As soon as he laid eyes on her, he wanted to beat himself up. Her skin even more pale than before, and her usual luscious red lips, were an unhealthy pink. She barely wore any makeup, and her eyes were red and puffy. She'd been crying recently. Her nose was the same red as her eyes. She looked like she had hurried into a pair of clothes after realizing that she was late. Her usual put-together look was wilted and looking just as sad as her face. She slightly limped, and he could see the pain in her eyes with each step. As she neared her desk, he could see that her hands were quivering. Her quaking fingers grabbed the edge of the desk as she sat down. Her face twisted and she bit her lip.   
Derek's eyes were wide, his lips slightly parted as he watched her. The most beautiful thing in the world that had ever been his, and he had done this to her. This was all his fault. He almost went to her at that very moment, but then, suddenly, her eyes turned to his. They were black as obsidian, and cold as steel. She locked onto him, her lips curling in disgust. Her hands gripping the edge of the desk went white, and he could almost feel the anger, the hate radiating from her. He sat there, paralyzed, until she turned away.  
The rest of the day was hell. They hardly looked at each, and neither spoke much. By the end of the day, the rest of the team had the distinct impression that something was going on, and that it wasn't good. Almost every one of the others asked Derek and Emily if they were okay. They were given affirmatives, but all of them knew better than to believe it. However, Derek and Emily were two of the most stubborn people on the team, and could not be forced to spit it out. The rest of the team, and Derek as well, were left just as confused as they were at the beginning of the day.   
Derek stayed late again, as he had the day before, but this time, it was because he didn't want to go home and face the silence. It was almost midnight by the time he grabbed his coat and keys and headed for the elevator. He was waiting on the car to come to the correct door when he heard footsteps behind him. He looked up to see Rossi approaching.  
“What?” Rossi asked upon seeing Derek's expression. “Did you think no one else was here?”   
“Yeah.” Derek muttered turning back to the elevator doors.   
“Unfortunate, isn't it?” Rossi asked, putting his hands in his pockets and watching the doors as well.  
“What do you mean?” Derek asked.  
“It's unfortunate that you weren't able to escape without being questioned.”  
“Rossi, I don't want to talk about it.” Derek tried to stop him before he even started.  
“It?... So there is something going on.”   
“No. Look, I just want to get home.” Derek said as the doors opened. He stepped inside and Rossi followed.   
“No you don't. I know that look .There have been times that haven't wanted to go home, just so I wouldn't have to face myself in the mirror.” Rossi said. Derek looked away. That was exactly how he was feeling. “Life can be rough, kid.” He continued, laying a compassionate eye on him. “You have to keep going though. A drink often helped me.”  
“I'll go home and get one.” Derek said, just wishing that the conversation would be over.   
“No. We're getting one. I know a good place.”   
“Rossi, come on, man.” Derek protested. “It's almost midnight. We have to be back here in eight hours.”   
The doors opened and Rossi stepped out. “Would you rather go home with yourself or go with me and get a drink? Its your choice.” Then he walked to his car, leaving Derek there to think about that. Three seconds later, Derek followed after him.

BAU * BAU * BAU

They sat at the bar quietly, each man holding his drink in front of himself. Rossi didn't immediately demand that he tell him what was going on. Derek knew what he was doing. He was giving the alcohol a chance to kick in, and let Derek relax enough to spill the beans. One part of him protested that he keep quiet, while another argued that he just needed to get this off his chest.   
Derek went though an entire glass of beer before, he broke. “She's hates me, Rossi.” He said at last, his voice quiet and sad. Rossi didn't say anything. He let him go on. “I don't know what happened. One day, we were happy with each other. We were content to sleep together, and keep our relationship on the down-low. Then a few months ago, she was acting a little grumpy. I thought it was... you know, the normal things for women. I thought nothing of it. It passed, and I didn't think of it again until four days ago. She completely shut down on me. She wouldn't text me. She wouldn't talk to me. She wouldn't let me go over to house at night. Damnit, Rossi, she wouldn't even let me kiss her.” Derek felt a little of his frustration with her return as he recalled how she had acted towards him. Rossi sat still looking down at his drink. He was listening though, Derek knew. He could see the thoughtful look in his eyes, the wheels turning in his head. “I didn't know what to do.” Derek continued. “I just left her alone, and thought she would get through it. She didn't. Last night, she texted me out of the blue.” Derek took a big swallow of his beer. “You know what she said to me?”  
“What?” Rossi asked, looking over at him.   
“She said, 'Come to my house. I want you to fuck me.' Now, believe me when I say, I have never heard her talk to me like that. She usually didn't order me around like that. I was confused, to say the least. I wanted to know what the hell was going on, so I went.” Derek took a drink again, gathering the courage to confess this. He knew that now that he had started he couldn't stop. He was in. “When I got there, she was waiting for me in the bedroom. She was on her hands and knees and she wouldn't even look at me. She was acting all strange. We started, and....” Derek voice faded for a moment, and he clenched his teeth, shutting his eyes, and forced himself to go on. “She wasn't getting any pleasure out of it, Rossi. I don't even know why she texted me. I don't why she let me go on when all she was going to do was lie there like a statue.” Derek paused once more, his throat tightening. “I got frustrated with her. She wouldn't respond, and I was fed up with her in the first place.” Derek stared down at his drink, images of the night before flashing in front of his eyes   
“What did you do?” Rossi asked, softly.   
“I ordered her to tell me how if felt, and she refused.” Derek replied, his voice quiet but firm. He could hardly bear to speak the next words, but he pushed on. “I smacked her as hard as on could on the ass, I got so upset.”   
“And how did she take it?”  
Derek faltered for a moment before whispering. “It turned her on. That made me even more mad than before..... I started yelling at her, asking her if she wanted me to hit her. I.....” Once more, he couldn't speak. The lump in his throat was growing larger and larger.   
“Did you?” Rossi asked. Derek couldn't tell what he thought by the tone of his voice. He sounded the same as any other conversation that they would be having.   
“I....” Derek choked and took a drink of his beer, letting it slide down his throat and to his stomach before he continued. “I got my belt....” He could see Rossi's head turn away from him and to his drink out of the corner of his eye. “That's why she was limping today. I hurt her, Rossi. I fucking beat her ass with the damned belt. Why would she come back to me after that?” Derek asking looking over at Rossi. He was nodding in understanding. He let his eyes drop back to the beer, the defeat once more having its way with him.   
“You can't entirely blame yourself, Morgan.” Rossi said. “I can't say that any better of a man wouldn't've lost his temper.   
“Why would you say that?”  
“She insulted your ego. She wouldn't talk to you. Then she orders you to her like a sex slave. She wasn't turned on by your advance until you smacked her. I understand why it made you angry. I'm not saying that what you did was right, but I know that it must've made you feel useless when she didn't respond. And when you hit her you felt like you shouldn't have because that’s something that lesser men do. Cowards.When it turned her, it made you angry.” Rossi shrugged. “A man can only take so much. Everyone has their breaking point and you found yours. Whether you do something wrong or right at that point is your decision and you made yours.” He pulled out his wallet and set down several bills on the counter. As he slid off the stool, he said, “But don't blame yourself too much. You may have ended it, but she started it. There is as much blame on her shoulders as on yours.” He patted his shoulder as he walked out. “Goodnight, Derek.” 

BAU * BAU * BAU

 

Derek knew that he should listen to Rossi, but the guilt ate away at him all through the night and into the next day. The next day was just as much hell as the first. Emily wouldn't even look at him or speak to him that day. The team became more and more confused except for Rossi. But the man knew how to keep a secret, and he acted as if he didn't know anymore than anyone else. Derek was thankful for that, but it didn't help the fact that Emily still hated him.   
Derek went home that night, feeling even more defeated than before. He decided to grab a beer and go to bed early. He knew that he would only lay there with his thoughts, but there was nothing else for him to do.   
He was just opening the fridge, when there was on knock on the door. He frowned. He wasn't expecting anyone, and it was late. Derek went to the door and looked through the peephole.... and almost fainted.   
Derek threw the door open, and stared at the person on the other side of the door. “What the hell are you doing here?” He didn't mean for it to sound as harsh as it came out, but the look in her eyes didn't change. She pushed past him and walked into the apartment, making sparks ignite in his chest again. He tamped it down, remembering that he was part of the cause for all of this. “Emily, what is it?” He asked, his voice more quiet and more soft.   
“Shut the door.” She said, her voice low.   
Derek felt a bad feeling creep into his stomach. The last time she had given him orders, he had ended up hurting her. But as before, it didn't seem like he had a choice. Either he could shut the door and be prey to whatever she was pulling or he could leave it open and let every other person in the building hear. Derek pushed the door shut and turned back to her. “What?”   
She turned around. Her eyes were black as ink, her skin white as a sheet of paper. She brought her fingers up to the buttons of the knee-length coat she was wearing. Derek's eyes widened as she undid the buttons in a distinct manner. Her naked breasts came into view, the skin a startling ivory as well, her nipples pale pink.  
“Emily...” Was all he could get out as she loosed the last button and slid the jacket off her shoulders. She nudged her shoes off her feet, leaving her completely naked.   
“I never got what I wanted.” She said, her voice the same as before. “I want it now, Derek.”   
Despite his feelings of guilt, the feelings of anger and frustration rose up. As before, his chest began to burn, his heart began to beat hard and fast. What the hell was she doing?   
“Fuck me, Derek. Do it now.” She ordered, her eyes flashing.   
The same order as before broke him. Anger, too hot and too much to control took over. He ripped his shirt off over his head, every inch of his body shaking with wrath. He forced his belt through the loops of his pants, and tore open his pants. Stripping the last scrap of clothing from his body, he crossed the room, taking her roughly by the arm. He yanked her to the couch and threw her down, her body slightly lifted by the arms of the couch. He climbed on after her, one hand coming around her throat and then other cupping her buttock and forcing her to him. He pulled her taut against him, as he said to her, “You didn't get enough the first time? You want me to fuck your brains out?”   
“Yes.” She shouted around his grip on her throat.   
“Fine. He drew her back slightly and then slammed his manhood into her. The entire length of him became completely buried within her, his tip touching deeply. She arched against him, crying out in slightly strangled tone. The fire running hot through his veins, Derek pounded hard into her, driving into her with every ounce of strength that he had. “Is this what you wanted?” He demanded, his hips meeting her body harshly.  
“Yes.” She cried out once more as her body was jarred.  
He continued slamming into her full-force, his anger and adrenaline fueling him. Her body took him each time, her channel hot and wet, allowing his thrusts to come easily. His fingers gripped the underside of her thigh while his other hand continued to squeeze her neck. A half-cough, half-moan struggled from her mouth, as he slammed into her. Her body was pushed back several inches on the couch, her butt meeting the arm of the couch. As he pushed into her again, her back was arched severely over the arm, her eyes staring almost upside down. Her ribs and hip bones jutted from the white flesh, her breasts heaving as he pistoned into her. She struggled beneath him, some of the color returning to her face with the tight grip he had on her throat. Her body jerked as he pounded into her, and she gripped sections of the couch, her heels digging into the cushions. She could barely move, spots swimming in her vision, but still the pleasure built. She leaned back farther, trying to relieve the pressure of his hand. It helped little. It only made her slide further back, until she was nearly sitting on the arm of the couch. The only thing that was holding her on the couch was his hand at her throat and at her thigh. Pain flared through her each time their bodies met. It was the hardest he had ever fucked her, and she could barely handle the pain slicing through her. It was almost enough to distract from the way he was choking her. Emily squeezed her eyes shut, praying that it would end soon, knowing that she had only asked for it. Its all I deserve. She thought as tears swelled in her eyes. Just like I deserved to be beaten.   
She could felt the orgasm approaching and she reached for it. It built, and built, and built, and built, until finally, it overtook her. Her body bucked up against his hold as the climax tore through her, almost as violent as the way it had been brought to her.   
Above her, Derek continued to slam into her, until he too felt the orgasm take him. He could barely call it pleasure. He could hardly consider the pain that he had just brought upon her. Again. He spilt into her, her body shaking. Their cries mingled together until their was only silence. Derek slid back on the couch, breathing hard.   
Emily sat up, her throat red, her cheeks wet with tears. Derek felt the guilt spike through him once more. Why did she provoke him so? Why did she goad him into doing things like this?   
She stood stiffly from the couch, another tear streaking down her face. Her limp was even more distinct than before as she reached her coat and leaned down to pick it up. As she did so, Derek noticed the welts crisscrossing on her buttocks. They were only two days old, and they looked painful. She winced as she rose, sliding the coat over body, and covering the marks. Derek looked away, unwilling to meet her eyes. He expected to her abruptly leave, but then he heard her voice, rough from his choking.   
“I'm leaving now, Derek.... And I'm not coming back.”   
He looked up, feeling despair even sharper than before, race through him. Alongside it was panic. He couldn't lose her. He just couldn't. He couldn't let her go, just because he had made some wrong decisions. It couldn't be over, just like that.   
“Emily, wait-” He began.  
“No, Derek. Don't.” Her eyes were sad and red from tears. “I made up my mind a long time ago.”  
“What? How long ago?”  
“A few months.” She looked down, picking at a nail. “I just never got the courage.... I just couldn't.... Not until now.”  
“Why do you have to?”  
“Because, Derek. I've ruined this.What do you think just happened? What do you think happened two night ago? Do you think that that can be repaired?” She asked, lifting her head.  
“We can try.” Derek said, rising from the couch, unwilling to let this go so easily. “I love you, Emily.” He said, his voice but a whisper.   
She scoffed, nodding, as she looked away. “Right.” She whispered. “At some point in time.”   
“No. I love you now.” Derek protested, stepping closer.   
“I'm sorry, Derek. I can't love you anymore. I can't even sleep with you anymore.” She started towards the door.  
“Wait.” He caught her arm, more gently than before. “You want to leave like this? You want that to be our last?” He asked, gesturing to the couch.  
“I guess you shouldn't've then. You never know when something is going to be taken away from you.” She said before wrenching her arm out of grip. She walked to the door and pulled it open. She didn't turn as she said, softly, “Goodbye, Derek.” 

BAU * BAU * BAU

Ever since JJ had spoken to Derek, she had known for sure that something was wrong between Emily and him. Something seriously wrong. JJ may not have been a profiler, but she knew Emily and she knew Derek. She had been able to piece together that they were sleeping together about a year ago. She said nothing about it, and didn't give any indication that she knew. She suspected that others on the team knew as well, but they were just as silent as she.   
JJ had never really thought about until now. The two had kept their behavior even with the years that they had been together, and if JJ hadn't know them so well, she wouldn't have suspected a thing. But now, their behavior had changed drastically, and it wasn't hard to profile. JJ had encouraged Derek to speak with her on the subject, but so far he hadn't. She hadn't really expected a man to talk to a woman about that kind of thing, but she was a friend and she had offered to be there for him. Now JJ believed that the only way she could find out what was going on and help them, was to talk to Emily. She had a feeling that Emily needed to talk to someone, and another woman, a friend, might be the person to coax her into talking. It was just a matter of finding a time to corner her.   
JJ was delivering files to different desks in the bullpen when she saw Emily walking in the direction of the bathroom. JJ caught a look at Emily's face and saw that the other woman was almost in tears. Again, JJ wondering what had happened. Was it something that Derek had done? Had Emily done something? Had they both done something?  
JJ quickly passed out the rest of the files and hurried after Emily. She came to the door of the women's restroom and paused with her hand on the doorknob. She could hear Emily crying softly through the door, and she felt her heart seize. She had never known Emily to break down, especially in the BAU. Whatever had happened, it had to be completely devastating.   
JJ tried to the door handle and found it locked. She had expected this. Emily would only break down in a place where no one could find her where no one could get to her. JJ lifted her fist and knocked as softly as possible. She didn't want to sound demanding or nosy.   
“Emily.” She called through the door. “It's JJ.”   
There was a pause, and Emily replied in a tearful, but also raspy voice, “What is it?” Emily had come in with the scratchy voice, and when questioned, she had replied that she had woken up with a cold that morning. No one had thought anything of it, but suddenly JJ wondered if she were lying. She pushed the thought aside and asked,  
“Can I come in?”  
Another pause. “Why?”   
It was JJ's turn to be quiet as she thought about the best way to say it. “Can we talk?”   
Silence ensued for long seconds, and JJ almost thought that Emily was ignoring her, before she heard the lock click. The door cracked and Emily disappeared again, but not before JJ caught a look of her tear-streaked face. She stepped inside, safely locking the door behind them again. She turned to face Emily who was standing at the mirror, splashing water on her cheeks and drying her face. JJ was silent for a moment before she said, softly, “Do you want to talk?”  
“Talk.” Emily's voice was hard. “What has talking ever accomplished?”   
JJ immediately realized that she wasn't going to be easy about this. She was obviously hurting, and hurting people lash out.   
“You know that keeping things bottled up inside you isn't healthy.” JJ continued in a soothing tone, stepping forward to place an hand on Emily's arm. “I just want to help. Whatever you say to me is private. It's safe with me.” She looked Emily in the eye by way of the mirror. Emily kept the eye contact for five seconds before breaking off and looking away.   
“I can't talk about this.”   
“Anything can be talked about.” JJ assured her.   
Emily was quiet, her face defiant as she continued to look away from her. Her silence was a clear answer, but JJ wasn't going to let her off this easy.   
“Look at yourself, Emily,” JJ used a soft tone, but her words held a firmness. “You've locked yourself in this bathroom for the third or fourth time this week. I can see that you're hurting, but alienating your friends isn't going to help the pain.” She pulled Emily around to face her, forcing her to look at her. “It's going to make it worse.” She lowered her voice, “Let me help you.”  
“How are you going to help me?” Emily asked. “I've ruined the best thing in my life because I was afraid.” Her dark eyes watered once more and she looked away again, “How could you possibly reverse that?”  
“I'm not saying I can. That's the past. This is now. I want to help you now.” JJ replied. “Whatever you say, I'm not going to judge you. I'm not going to scold you. I'm just here to listen.”   
Emily balked for a moment, and JJ could see that her defensive were up. But they were coming down with each soft, reassuring word that JJ said. JJ let her contemplate that for a moment, and as she did, she could practically feel Emily's defiance wavering. At last, Emily sighed, raggedly. “I can't tell you everything. I just can't. I would feel like I was betraying myself and.. and someone I love.”  
“Just tell me what you can. It's all right.” JJ assured her once more.   
“You know, don't you?”  
“About you and Derek? Yes.”   
“Okay.” Emily let out a breath. “For a reason that I can't tell you, I felt that I could no longer carry on a relationship with him. I felt that it was too dangerous. But I was weak, JJ.” She said, looking up and shaking her head. “At the time I needed to be strong, I lost my backbone. I couldn't tell him that I was going to break up with him. Every night I spent with him, I would think, 'Just one more time. Just one more night.' But it was never only one time. Months passed, and he knew something was wrong. He knew it. He's a profiler. I should've known that. Finally, I just couldn't do it anymore. I was so scared to tell him, but I couldn't act normal anymore either. So I just stopped talking to him.”  
“What did he do?” JJ asked, feeling that her eyes were wide as saucers.   
“He tried to talk to me at first and then gave up. I felt horrible, but just couldn't face him. Then I realized that at some point, I had to. I just had to do it. I couldn't keep ignoring him. So, I thought, just one last time, and then I'll tell him. I've always been weak when it comes to him. I could never resist him, and no matter how much I felt that the relationship needed to end, I wanted him again.” Emily lowered her head, and JJ could see her cheeks color a bit on the pale white of her skin. JJ had never thought of Emily as weak, especially when it came to men. Imagining her unable to resist such a sterotypical player as Derek was hard.   
“So what did you do?” JJ promted, when Emily paused.   
“I texted him. I told him to come over to my house.”   
“Did he come?”   
“Yeah. And.. and I was waiting for him.” Her eyes darted up to JJ's and then back down again. “I wanted him, JJ, I did. But all I could think about was how I was going to break his heart.” She stopped again, and JJ could see her battle the emotion.  
“So... did you?... Tell him?”   
“No. I never got a chance.” Emily's chin lowered even more. “I can't say all that happened, but all I know is that I did the wrong thing. I made him mad, even more mad than he already was. I know that my behavior was frustrating, but so were my emotions.”  
“He got mad?” JJ felt her chest clench. She knew that Derek had a temper. She had seen it before, and she knew that she would never want to stand in the face of it. Bad things always happened when Derek got mad, and JJ felt unsure for the first time about hearing Emily's story.  
“Yeah.” Emily replied. She didn't say anything more as she turned her back to JJ and opened her pants. JJ was confused at first until Emily pulled one side down just enough to show the red, inflamed welts crossing her buttock.  
“Oh, God...” JJ felt the air leave her lungs as she stared at what must have been a painful beating.  
“There's six.” Emily whispered. “But its not like I deserved any less.”   
“No.” JJ gasped. “No one deserves that.” Her eyes darted back up to Emily's but she turned her head away and zipped her pants back up. When she faced JJ again, her voice held the hard tone once more.   
“Yes, JJ, I did. And I still do.”   
“No...” JJ whispered, horrified.   
“He left, and I never got to tell him.” Emily said, ignoring JJ's wide-eyed stare. “I decided to try again.”  
“Try again?” JJ said. “Why? Why would you try that again?”  
“Because.” Emily said. “You don't understand how it is. He held this power over me....” Her voice faded and she added quietly, “He still does.” She was silent for a minute before she continued the monologue. “I went to his apartment and he was still angry. He was even more mad that I came back for more.” She reached up to the edge of her turtle neck and pulled it down. JJ's eyes widened again as her eyes slid over the bruises ringing her neck. She could see distinct fingerprints: four fingers on one side and a thumb on the other. She let it slip back up, covering the bruises, taking them away from JJ's sight. JJ suddenly remembered her thoughts on Emily's “sore throat.” Now she knew the real reason for the raspy tone. “He did it the whole time.” Emily said. “But I got what I wanted.” She sounded slightly sarcastic, but JJ wasn't sure if it was just her imagination. “And I got to tell him, so....” Tears rose in her eyes and she looked away, “everything should be fine.” Her lips quivered and she bit down on her lower one.   
JJ was blown away. She had told Emily that she wanted to help her, but now she wasn't sure what to say. She had seen this sort of things before on men that routinely beat up their wives or girlfriends, but she had never seen it before in a man like Derek. She would never expect that kind of behavior from him. She had no idea what kind of advice to give to her.   
“So now you know.” Emily said. “Are you sure you still want to help me?”


	2. Chapter 2

Derek wasn't overly surprised when Emily called off work. He was almost relieved. He didn't know if he could handle one more day of looking across the room at her. But yet, he nearly missed her presence. They had been together for over a year. They had, had feelings for each other even longer. Thinking about their confessions to each other, their first kiss, the first night they ever spent together, and all the other memories trapped inside his head, made his heart ache. More than anything, he wished that he could reverse time. He wished that he could go back and change everything that had happened in the past week. The night after she came to his apartment, he laid in his bed and almost lost it, thinking about how happy they had been, and how terrible he felt about hurting. Of course, being unmanly and crying wouldn't help things. At this point, Derek didn't know if anything could help how things were going.   
Now it was the day, and he was at the BAU, staring across the aisle at Emily's empty desk, her name plaque staring forlornly back at him. He clenched his jaw as the sudden memory of when they had first met entered his mind. They had been at the round table, discussing a case. Elle had just left, and everyone was bit out of sorts. Then the new girl showed up, out of no where, ready to take on the world. She had surprised them all with her knowledge of the Arabic language, and blown them away with the skill in which she profiled. She had almost seemed to good of an asset to be true. But as soon as he saw her, he knew it was true. They had exchanged names, leaning across the table to take each other's hand. Her smaller one had firmly gripped his, a big smile in place. “I'm Emily.” Her dark eyes had sparkled. She had been so happy to be there, so willing to jump right in and help. That had been years ago, and Derek had come to understand why she had been so happy to be in a new place. Years of hurt, months of betrayal, days of sadness, minutes of hopelessness that ruined her old life in Interpol, and she had been searching for a new life, to start over again. Now that was gone. Had he been the one to ruin the good life that she had built here at the BAU? He remembered Rossi's words at the bar, but he couldn't help but feel responsible. He had hurt her in more ways than imaginable, and he could barely stand to be himself nowadays.   
“Derek.” His name being called broke him out of his silent, solemn reverie. He looked up to see JJ standing next to the desk.   
“What?” He asked. His voice came out rough, and he cleared his throat. “What is it?”  
“We've got a case.” She handed him the file.   
“Okay.” Derek said, relieved. At least he would be able to put his mind to something else other than the turmoil of his love life. No, it wasn't just his love life. It was his entire life. Emily was his world, and he had just burned that world down with flames as black as Hell's.   
“Derek.” JJ said again, quieter this time.  
“What?” He asked, looking up once more. She had a tone in her voice, and panic seized him as he wondered if she knew what he had done.  
“Emily called off today.” She said.  
“Yeah.” He said slowly.  
“Do you know why?” Her tone sounded accusatory.   
“No.” He bit out the lie, his eyes darting away from her involuntarily.   
“Derek, listen to me.” JJ said, sitting down on the edge of his desk. “I talked to Emily the other day.”   
Derek swallowed hard, a bad feeling dropping into his stomach. She knew. She knew what he had done. Emily had told her.   
“She showed me the...” She paused, her brows pulling together. The sentence dropped off when she couldn't find any way to describe what she had seen. “Look, I don't know what happened-”  
“JJ, stop.” Derek cut her off, his eyes turning black.   
She drew back slightly, her blue eyes going wide at his harsh tone.  
“You're right. You don't know what happened.”  
“I was just-”  
“Don't.” He cut her off once more. “I don't need to be scolded like a child. I don't need anyone else's judgment. I already have hers.” He tossed his hand towards Emily's desk, his voice rising. JJ eyes darted around the bullpen, her lips parted slightly, her eyes as round as saucers. “I feel bad enough. I don't even know why the hell she told you. Its none of your fucking business.” He rose from his chair, his heart pounding hard in his chest. He began to stride towards the stairs leading to the conference room.  
“Derek, wait.” JJ called after him. He could hear her walking behind him. He took the stairs two at a time and continued onwards, ignoring her protests.   
“Derek.” She said, catching up to him. “I wasn't going to scold you.”   
“Then what were you going to do?” He demanded, pulling up abruptly.   
“I was just going to say that it wasn't all your fault.” Her voice was quiet and she looked hurt by his words, her large eyes wet. “I was just going to say that sometimes things happen in a relationship that you can't control. Sometimes you do the wrong thing. Sometimes you do the right thing and it still gets messed up.... I was going to say that... that Emily still loves you.... that you should give it another chance.... That's all.” Her quiet, hurt tone descended into silence and she blinked back the moisture.  
Derek immediately felt crushed. He had hurt her feelings just because he hadn't been willing to listen.   
“JJ.” He said, his voice quiet and sorrowful. “I'm sorry.” He grabbed, her crushing her to his chest and holding her tight. “I'm so sorry.” Her slim frame was swallowed up in his hold, and he could feel her stiffen at the sudden physical touch. He didn't comprehend that they probably shouldn't be hugging in the BAU. All he could think was that he couldn't ruin another relationship. He valued JJ's friendship and he had been nothing was rude to her.   
JJ finally relaxed against his chest and he could hear her sniff softly, her eyes and little nose pressed against his chest just below his collarbone. Derek hugged her tighter, swearing to God that he would not destroy another person who was important to him. 

BAU * BAU * BAU

The three days that they were on the case were odd without Emily, but at least some of the tension had eased. But more important than the team's comfort was Emily's. Everyone was worried as hell, even Derek if you looked close enough. Everyone was beginning to understand that something had happened between them and it hadn't been good. But JJ was alone in the knowledge of what had fully and truly occurred. To her it felt like a heavy burden, and she even began to wonder why she had pushed Emily for the truth. Every time she thought this, she reminded herself that she was Emily's friend. Being a friend means being there to listen all the time, anytime. And she had listened. She had seen. Yet still she wondered. What had happened that had caused Emily to draw away from Derek? What was the root cause for all of this? It had to be something unimaginable. Emily had been through a great deal of pain, and JJ was concerned. What if she did something irrational while they were gone and she was by herself?   
The worrisome thoughts caused JJ to decide to check on Emily the night they landed in Quantico. She didn't tell anyone she was going, because she didn't want them nagging her about afterwords. She knew that they were just worried, but she didn't want to spill the beans on Emily. It was better that she keep this to herself.  
That night, JJ pulled up at Emily's apartment building with apprehension seeping into her veins and spreading like a poison. She was exhausted from the case and tired from the jetlag, but she just had to know that Emily was okay. And what if she wasn't? What did being okay count as?   
JJ stood from her car and eyed the building warily. She had half a mind to be furious with Derek, but she knew that Emily was part of the cause for this. Furthermore, she couldn't be mad at him after he had so soulfully apologized to her in the BAU. She had expected it at all, but then she realized that he was hurting just as much as Emily and she had allowed him to hug her. She had almost sworn that there were tears in his eyes when he pulled away and went to the round table. It was rare to see such a reaction from him, and it just made her wonder even more what the root of the problem was.   
JJ walked determinedly to the building, her high heels clicking on the cement sidewalk. But each step magnified the sense of dread, multiplying the feeling within her. She reached the door and buzzed until someone let her through the gated door. Once she was inside and the door shut behind her, she stood in the foyer, gathering her confidence. She had never been so apprehensive about meeting a friend in her life. What was she supposed to say? Yeah, I just thought I'd come over because I was worried about you and maybe thought you were suicidal or something like that. Right. That would earn her a ticket for a door-slammed-in-your-face exit.   
JJ took the stairs up to Emily's floor, shaking the fear. It was just Emily. She was still the same person. She kept telling herself that as she reached her door. She lifted a hesitant hand to knock. She berated herself for her lack of confidence and rapped her knuckles on the door without thinking.   
There was silence at first, and a slice of fear slid through her. What if her worst fears were right? She knocked again, more urgently. She was relieved when she heard footsteps, and chided herself for thinking the worst. The door opened and Emily stood on the other side. Her hear was wet and a towel was wrapped around her otherwise naked body. JJ felt her heart clench when she saw the somewhat better bruises ringing her neck.   
“Hi.” JJ said, jerking her eyes to Emily's tired, sad ones. “I'm sorry I didn't call first.”   
“It's fine.” Emily said. Her voice didn't sound as rough as before, but she still sounded a bit scratchy. “Come in.” She stood aside and JJ stepped inside.   
“I'm sorry I caught you in the shower.” She said, walking slowly into the livingroom.   
Emily just looked at her for a second before she said, “It was a bath.”   
“Oh.” JJ said quietly as her thoughts began to run wildly. Was she trying to drown herself or something like that? What if she had been right to worry about her? What if she had just interrupted a suicide attempt? JJ reigned in her thoughts just before she started to panic and hyperventilate.   
“What do you need?” Emily asked, shutting the door with one hand and holding the towel closed with the other.   
“I was just.... seeing how you were doing.” JJ said, calming herself.  
“I'm fine, Jaje.” Emily said, walking towards the bathroom. “I just needed a few days away from....” Her voice faded before she finished the sentence, but JJ already knew. She needed to be away from Derek. She had never heard that from Emily before, but somehow it didn't surprise her now. Maybe it was because she had seen what he had done.   
Emily disappeared into the bathroom, but didn't shut the door.  
“When are you coming back to work?” She asked, studying pictures on the wall. There were several of the team all together, and then just Emily and one of them. JJ noted that the ones of her and Derek still remained. One of them kissing caught her eye. She could see that they were trying not to laugh as Emily angled the camera towards them and tried to kiss him at the same time. A sad smile lifted the corners of JJ's mouth as she contemplated the photo. Once more the question nagged her. What had happened?   
“....I'm not really sure.” JJ heard the end of Emily's reply and realized that she had zoned out.   
“Are you sure that you're okay?” JJ asked, still staring at the picture.   
Emily didn't answer her this time, and JJ didn't speak again, disliking the disconnected conversation. She needed to look into her eyes and tell that she really was okay. She doubted it.   
JJ waited until Emily emerged from the bathroom, dressed in a t-shirt and jeans. Her hair was brushed back and appearing even darker than usual. It contrasted sharply with the pale white of her skin.   
“You can sit down.” Emily said.  
“Of course.” JJ said, quietly, drawing her eyes away from the haunting picture of her friend.   
They sat down together and Emily drew her bare feet up under herself. “I know you're here because of....” Her voice faded for a moment, but then she lifted her chin. “So just say it.”   
“Are you okay?” JJ asked again, softly, ignoring Emily's resentful tone. She laid a hand on her arm, trying to soften the truth. She wasn't.   
“I just said that I was.” Emily snapped, jerking her hand away from JJ's sharply. JJ stared at her, wide-eyed. Hurting people lash out. She told herself, but it didn't stop the hurt from stabbing her.   
“I'm sorry.” Emily whispered, at last, staring at her lap. JJ could see her eyes filling with tears. She bit down on her lower lip, closing her eyes. A drop of moisture squeezed from between her eyelashes, streaking quickly down her cheek. “I don't know what's wrong with me. I just.... just can't figure this out.”   
JJ immediately felt compassion squelch any bit of anger she might've had towards Emily. She moved closer to Emily, taking her hands. Emily looked up at her, her eyes wide and dark, filled with sorrow.   
“Talk to me.” JJ whispered, looking into her eyes.   
“I'm scared.” Emily whispered. “I don't know what to feel. I don't even know why I feel what I do.”   
“What do you feel?” JJ asked, looking into her dark, watery eyes. Emily bit her lip once more, harder than before. She squeezed JJ's hands. “ I feel like I deserve this. I ruined the relationship. It was my fault I know.”  
“It wasn't entirely-” JJ began.  
“No.” Emily cut her off. “No. It was me. I did this. If I hadn't pulled away from him, if I hadn't gotten scared, none of this would've happened. I would still be with Derek.” She cried, several more tears sliding down her cheeks in large drops. “I told you before, I deserved that beating. The pain was a daily reminder of how I messed up.”  
“Emily.” JJ was shaking her head.  
“No, hear me out.” Emily cut her off again. “ More than that, it made me want him. If it was the only way we could both get pleasure out of it, I would take it. I would take anything just to have him again.” Emily quieted, quavering, as she said, “And when he choked me, I had to fight to stay awake, but it was such a high. It made the pleasure twenty times stronger. I didn't care whether it hurt or not. I still don't care. I just want him back, in any way I can. Sometimes it seems wrong, but... but most of the time, it just seems right.” She became quiet, her breathing heavy as she stared back at JJ.   
Again, JJ didn't really know what to say. This was beyond what she had ever experienced. She'd never dealt with someone liked the thought of enduring pain.   
“I know it probably sounds wrong to you.” Emily said. “But you don't know what its like to love him. We love hard. We love to point of pain. That's the only way there is to love for us.”  
“Then don't give up.” JJ said, gripping her fingers. “If you give up now, you'll never remember the good part about loving like that. You'll only remember how it hurt you. Yes, love hurts, but you can't let it control you.”  
“How do I beat it?” Emily asked, her eyes appearing desperate.   
“Go back to him. But not like before. Give him a reason to take you back..... Tell him why you did what you did.”  
“B-but....” Emily whispered. “I can't.”  
“Yes you can. Be just as hard on yourself as you were on him. If you can get past yourelf and what you feel, you can find him again... and your love. If he knows the truth, he will forgive you. I can promise you that.”   
“How?”   
“Because, Derek doesn't think about himself when it comes to you. He saw how you were drawing away. He saw that you weren't telling him everything. And if he knew the truth, and understood, he would see why you did what you did. He would see the sacrifice and he would forgive you.”   
“How do you know I sacrificed?”   
“Because,” JJ said. “You don't think about yourself either. When we talked, you said it was because of someone you love. And you sacrificed very much for that person, but its time to stop suffering. Go back to him. Love hard again.”

BAU * BAU * BAU 

Emily was scared. She was more scared than she had been when considering telling Derek that they couldn't be together anymore. She was more scared than when she had discovered that moment of truth so many months ago.  
She was scared because she had to admit all of that. She was scared because she was worried that she had been right before. She was scared that he would become angry with her again like the two other times she had talked to him. But most of all, she was scared because she wanted to be his again, but couldn't find a reason for him to take her back. No reason at all. The only reason that there could be was the slight possibility that he still loved her as he had before. Was that possible?   
Emily almost considered not taking JJ's advice. She almost backed down, but thinking about how she and Derek used to be so happy together had driven all those thoughts from her head.... until now. Now was the moment of truth. She was here. She had forced herself to be strong and go to him and admit all of what she had done wrong and why she had done it. She had made herself drive here and walk up to his apartment building, to his door, and knock without crying. That was milestone for her considering the last few months. Most nights, she cried herself to sleep and there was nothing that could stop that, especially not sheer willpower. But today, something was different. Underneath all her misgivings about doing this, she felt a sliver of hope. Could this be her chance to right all of this?   
Emily bit her lip as she stood at the door, staring at it, waiting for it to open. She cringed as she remembered standing here just over a week ago. But this conversation would be different. She swore it would be. She would not let it end like before.   
Please, Derek, please open the door. Her mind begged. She lifted her hand and knocked again. Her stomach ached, and fear gripped her heart, but she forced herself to stay at the door. If she left now, she would never know if this could be resolved right here and now.   
At last, that sliver of hope broadened as the doorknob turned. She held her breath, waiting to see his expression. He probably knew it was her from looking through the peephole. It was good sign that he had at least opened the door, right?   
Emily didn't look up at him at first, but the silence forced her to lift her eyes. His expression was almost unreadable. But Emily knew him too well. There was a time when they could read each other like an open book. She could discern hurt, a little anger, but mostly just sadness. He stood there in the door frame, just looking at her. He didn't say anything and she could see his throat move with a swallow.  
She lifted her chin. She had to be strong. “Derek...” Her voice faltered as she tried to look into his dark eyes. The swirled liquid ebony, filled with that mixture of emotions. She bit down on her lip hard, feeling tears assault her with a harsh stinging. She fought them back, swearing that she wouldn't cry.   
“Why are you here?” He asked. She could decide which emotion came out on top when he spoke.   
“I need to talk to you.” She summoned only a whisper.   
“About what?” His eyes narrowed as if he was trying to see inside of her and figure out what she was planning.   
“Can I come in?” She said once more in a quiet tone of voice.  
He hesitated and she could see him remembering the last time he had let her past the door. He didn't want a repeat of that, but this time, she didn't either.  
“Look, I'm not going to do anything.” She said, pleadingly. “I just need to talk to you.”  
She could see his defenses falling and she let him struggle for another moment, before saying, “It's really important.... for both of us.”   
At last, he stepped a side and she let out a relieved breath. She didn't know what she would've done if he hadn't let her in. Maybe sit outside his door and cry and then go home kill herself.   
She stepped inside, her eyes resting on the mismatched furniture, the random pictures sitting on top of the TV stand. There were a few of him and his mother and sisters. She had to fight tears again when she saw that he had kept the pictures of them together just like she had.   
“What is this about?” He asked, breaking through her thoughts.   
“I'd ask one thing.” She said softly. She shook her head, stopping herself. “No. Two things.” She turned to face him and found him still standing at the door. “Please, hear me out and please, don't judge me. You may not understand, but I still need to confess this.”  
She could see him shift when she said “confess”. He was beginning to understand that this was going to be a life-altering moment. “Okay.” He said finally.   
“Okay.” Emily said quietly, more to herself in preparation of this confession. “Two years ago when we first slept together I thought is was too good to be true. I've never really had good relationships, and I kept telling myself that this one was different. We weren't really going to have a real relationship. It was just friends with benefits. I tried really hard to make myself believe that. Everyone knew... well, still knows- that you're not ready to settle down. I tried to keep you at arms length so that I wouldn't get my heart broken when we both moved on. But your emotions don't really work that way.” Emily said, her eyes being drawn to those pictures again. She stepped closer to them, as she said quietly, “You'll always want what can't be. The impossible.” She picked up one of the pictures. They were snuggled up on the couch together, grinning up at the camera. “I soon found this out.” She went on. “I kept forgetting my vow to keep you at my fingertips. And then it just slipped out..... Do you remember that night?” She asked in a whisper, squeezing the picture frame tight.  
“Yes.” She heard him reply, his voice just as quiet.   
“And you said you loved me too.” She shut her eyes, holding the tears at bay. “I couldn't believe it. I was on cloud nine for.... for who knows how long. I realized that it was okay that we didn't really want to get married and settle down because of the job and fraternization rules. Everything seemed perfect. I was more happy than I had ever been in my whole entire life.” Emily felt a tear slip down her cheek and she quickly wiped it away as she set the picture back up on the stand. She stared at her reflection in the glass of the frame as she said. “For a year and a half I didn't expect anything to go wrong. We knew each other so well that it was just the perfect relationship. But then....” Emily felt her voice catch as the pain sliced through her. Her legs felt weak, but she forced herself to stay up. “I was so scared at first.” She whispered. “I didn't know what to do.”   
“About what?” Derek asked as she could hear the floor creak as he moved closer.   
“It changed everything. My perfect little world. Our perfect little relationship. Suddenly it wasn't perfect anymore.” She turned back to him. He was standing closer now, only two feet from her. She took a deep breath and let it out. She couldn't look at him as she said it. “I got pregnant.”  
“What?” He sounded as if the air had gotten punched out his lungs.   
Emily felt the tears rush to her eyes at the sound of his voice. “I was so scared, because I'd never been able to conceive after my abortion when I was fifteen. I was scared that something would go wrong. I was scared that you wouldn't want to raise a child.” Tears slipped down her cheeks, but she didn't care to wipe them away. “So I didn't tell you for at least a month. I didn't know what to do, and I know, I probably should have told you, but I couldn't. I just went on the way it had been, and let you think that it really was the same. I had just entered month three, and I had been going to the doctor regularly. They had been watching the baby's heart beat because they said that it was a little fast. They didn't think it was anything to worry about....” Emily gripped the TV stand, her legs wobbling as the tears raced from her eyes. Derek grabbed her by the arm before she lost her balance. He caught her around the waist and led her to the couch where he kept her next to him, his eyes wide. She could feel his heart beating heavily against her arm. Sobs shook her body and she covered her face with her hand, her cheeks wet with tears. “I wanted him so bad.” She sobbed. “Even if you didn't, I did. I knew you weren't ready for that, but I was, and... and....” She could barely breath as Derek pulled her against him. His hand covered her head, stroking gently. He was barely breathing, his chest rising and falling shallowly. “I'll never forget the day I lost him.” She gasped against his chest. “I knew it was happening, and all I could do was lay on the bathroom floor and cry while he died inside of me.” She was quiet for a moment, letting her cries carry her agony to his ears. When they had slowed, her hands slid from her face she began again, “After that, I felt like I had lost a part of me....someone I loved.” She could see them in the blackness of the TV screen and she could see Derek's stunned expression, the moisture lining his cheeks. Pain shot through her and she looked away as she said the next part of the confession, “I coudn't go on with you. Every day was constant reminder of what we had made together, but what I had lost alone. Every day I could see his little body moving on the ultrasound screen whenever I closed my eyes. Every day I could feel the emptiness inside me. The night I asked you over to my house, I meant to tell you that I couldn't be with you anymore, but....” She bit her lip, “I thought, just one last time.... I should've never.... I should've have just told you.... No, I should've had more faith. I should've told you about him in the first place and I know I messed up. After that night, I was in even more pain than before. I knew I had hurt you, and that just sealed it. So I came to your house and that was finally when I told you, and now....” Emily swallowed back more tears, but they came anyways. “I'm sorry, Derek. I'm so sorry.” She turned to him, looking him the eye for the first time since she had begun. “I made so mistakes, and I should've known you better, and I'm sorry. I don't see why you'd ever want me back, but I can't imagine going on like this anymore. It's just too much. I don't care how much you hurt me physically.... It was my fault anyways. I just don't want this hurt inside anymore, so please....” Her voice dropped off.  
His eyes were sad and wet, his mouth turned down, and he was silent for a minute. Fear gripped her heart. What if he said no? What if he didn't want her back.?   
“If you'd told me...” He said at last.  
“I know.” She said, her voice choking up again.   
“You didn't have to bear this alone. I would've been there.” He said, his hand cupping her damp cheek.   
“I know. And I see that now. I was wrong.... Really wrong.” She reached up to grip the hand at her face.   
“I'm sorry.” He whispered.  
“For what? This is my fault.”  
“No. I didn't have to hurt you the way I did.” He said, pulling her closer to him. “And I'm sorry. We were both wrong.” They stared at each other for a moment before he said said softly. “Do you remember that night?”  
Her breath caught in her throat. She knew he was talking about the night the pronounced their love for each other. “Yes.” She whispered, her throat tight.  
“I tried to keep you at arms length.” He whispered. “I thought it was too good to be true. But then you said it, and I thought I would be on cloud nine for the rest of my life. I had to tell you. I still have to tell.” He leaned in and she felt his lips brush over her cheekbone. “I love you too, Emily. I always have and I always will. No matter what.”


End file.
